Body Unconscious

Yesterday was my first session at the Tenafly Studio, which had more machines, such as the chair, the cadillac, some kind of semi circle wooden unit, and lots of other props. I didn't get to use them, but guess which one is used for what?



The session flowed much smoother than the previous two, one exercise right into the next. We were more comfortable, understood the intructions, and we began to feel and move along with our breath. The full connection is still not there, but I can sense that I'm getting there.

After each of the sessions, I get in the car and feel tighter in the mid section of my stomach right away. Overall, I have started to notice my body in an unfamiliar way. This is going to be a bit tough to explain. What I mean is, I am now realizing how fat I am. Yes, I'm using the word fat, don't worry, I'm ok with it (now).

For the past week or so, I've been looking at my body a lot differently. First thing, I am "LOOKing" at it. I can see the size of my calf, my waist, my arms, my double chin, and so on. I have looked at myself in the mirror plenty of times before, but I've never noticed it quite this way. I found myself saying, "Wow, I am pretty big."

Now, don't feel bad... because I really don't. I feel like I have opened my eyes and have finally seen what I really look like. Really, I do weigh 188 lbs! In my mind, I think I stopped gaining the weight, and stopped getting bigger visibly even when the scale told me otherwise. What's that called? Body Dysmorphia? Ok, not THAT bad, but I really have been unconscious of how big I've become.

I can now focus on a few parts of my body and feel the muscles. They've always been there, but now I feel them in ways I didn't before. I can only compare myself to the people on the "Biggest Loser". You wonder how people ever allowed themselves to get that big? Well, I get it...